Wistful Whistler

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This is part of a painting by James Abbott McNeil Whistler.  He is my favorite artist. I once had the opportunity to visit the Freer Museum in Washington DC which houses a large collection of his paints.  I could have stayed all day staring at his work– his pieces really resonate with me.

Today I realized why that is.  Do you see the model’s wistful, sad expression?  That is how I feel today.  I know I have no business feeling that way, but that’s how I feel, and I think Whistler captures that expression and sentiment so perfectly in his work. 

I just got finished on a film set and I find so disheartening at the end of the day when I realize I haven’t made any friends or forged any great connections because I sometimes really suck at talking to people.  I can just be the most awkward duck.  Maybe it’s because I overthink everything and in the moments of indecision about what I should say next I say nothing. And continue saying nothing.  Or try and break the silence and end up asking a stupid question. It just sucks.  I feel like it makes me seem like the most boring, one dimensional person on the set.  I don’t even know if I would want to talk to me, I find me so lacking in social skills.  I script supervise and it can be a very lonely position, no built in buddy to chat with. Maybe it’s just because I’m in that watchful, thoughtful frame of mind that I find it hard to switch gears and be “on”. Because I can be a major charmer and make friends with ease, I just can’t on set.  I’m all business and no pleasure.  And at the end of the day (or weekend) it can really bug me.

So, yes, dear internet, you get to hear my sad pity party rant about how I can suck at being friendly.  Thanks for being there blogosphere. Good strangers it’s nice to have someone to tell– I can’t share this sentiment with my friends or husband because they don’t understand. They say “but you’re so friendly” “just talk to people” “don’t worry about it, you’re fine” “just be more friendly” but it doesn’t seem that easy.  I try to talk but have nothing to say.  I just want it to feel more organic and less forced. 

I probably just need to get out of my own head.

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